"Amanda should not be angry unless we are kissing in the fellowship hall", said Sally on day to Daniel on front of me. I felt anger that she was minimizing the problem: her lust.
All I could think was: she really wanted to kiss him in the fellowship hall. She really wanted to get physical with him. Her true desire was to get intimate with my husband... I thought.
She was on the pastor's good side so that made me think the enemy was coming in a three-pronged attack.
What do you do when your husband is using his gift of music and all this is happening? How do I tell him that he is gonna have to leave his job?
One time the pastor's wife came over to our house to try and help the situation. She told me a story of a sailor who cheated on his wife and got his girlfriend pregnant and then the wife found out and forgave her husband. After hearing this I did not feel better at all. I got the distinct feeling that I was being pressured to forgive and forget and push it ALL under the rug. AND remain in the situation with "Sally" doing the same stuff.
Were they that desperate for a female singer in the church? Is it ever RIGHT to accept the person Satan sends you?
I think they didn't want to see it, because they were friends... And age appeared to have a great personality.
So after we moved I went back to the church to retrieve some things we had forgotten. I saw Sally's car among just a few cars in the
parking lot, so I didn't go in. I felt anxious because I was thinking Sally is now part of the nucleus of the leadership of the church. That was my thinking.
Another time I went to return some hymnals, I talked with the pastor's wife at the parsonage. She said, "We'd just about had your husband trained, then all this happened". I felt she was minimizing the problem and not recognizing the threat to our marriage. I was sort of stunned when I heard this, that WE had put them in a pinch! She also mentioned that some girls have attractions to certain types of men, like heads of companies, etc... Leadership types... Uuugh! More minimization! I left in shock...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
An affair of the heart, part 4
Amanda continues...
"...also something else I've learned is that those who passinately want to serve Christ are a threat to the enemy. So if that is who you are, be prepared for an attack! But what it is in knowing that is the case!
Today, I would say my husband is not defeated, but victorious. He has developed much greater discernment for situations, things that could be traps from certain women. He communicates with me better, doesn't put himself in those situations that even appear compromising. He keeps to his boundaries. I am proud of him!
On the other hand, we still have our problems. We still need Christ in our marriage. And I still sometimes obsess over her...
To be honest I have been thinking alot about the fact that she has had a medical breakthrough when it appeared that God was gonna take her out as punishment for her many unrepented sins. Not only this, but she told my relative. Obviously she wanted us to get the message.
How can this be, God? At one time she is dependent on medicines and infusions and now... she is even, miraculously... healed. It hurts to even say it. The thing I held onto previously, was that she would eventually die. This pain and suffering would go away when she did. It was a sense of hope to me, even. I was going to exhale a sigh of relief when she passed and maybe even attend the funeral, leave some flowers.
I wonder now if she has truly repented but cannot take the chance of finding out. This situation was just too severe to risk drawing her back into it by communicating with her.
I will have to leave this all in God's hands. I need prayer as it is still an ongoing issue..."
[In Amanda's next journal entry she will discuss the aspect of "Sally" acting like her best friend in order to get to her husband...]
"...also something else I've learned is that those who passinately want to serve Christ are a threat to the enemy. So if that is who you are, be prepared for an attack! But what it is in knowing that is the case!
Today, I would say my husband is not defeated, but victorious. He has developed much greater discernment for situations, things that could be traps from certain women. He communicates with me better, doesn't put himself in those situations that even appear compromising. He keeps to his boundaries. I am proud of him!
On the other hand, we still have our problems. We still need Christ in our marriage. And I still sometimes obsess over her...
To be honest I have been thinking alot about the fact that she has had a medical breakthrough when it appeared that God was gonna take her out as punishment for her many unrepented sins. Not only this, but she told my relative. Obviously she wanted us to get the message.
How can this be, God? At one time she is dependent on medicines and infusions and now... she is even, miraculously... healed. It hurts to even say it. The thing I held onto previously, was that she would eventually die. This pain and suffering would go away when she did. It was a sense of hope to me, even. I was going to exhale a sigh of relief when she passed and maybe even attend the funeral, leave some flowers.
I wonder now if she has truly repented but cannot take the chance of finding out. This situation was just too severe to risk drawing her back into it by communicating with her.
I will have to leave this all in God's hands. I need prayer as it is still an ongoing issue..."
[In Amanda's next journal entry she will discuss the aspect of "Sally" acting like her best friend in order to get to her husband...]
Today I look back and this is what I see...
The travesty of the whole situation is that before all this happened I trusted my husband completely. He was like gold to me. I never worried about him cheating on me or doing anything like that. It literally never entered my mind or heart that something like this could ever happen. To me, no, not to me... maybe someone else...
It was one of the most wonderful relationships ever: my relationship with my husband. I was zealous and highly interested in beingnpart of the gospel going out into the world. He was my partner: the love of my life, like gold!
So when we had our first baby a door closed (at a place where we were
ministering to kids) and so we waited. A few months later a door seemingly
opened up at this church.
We arrived zealous and excited to minister but difficulties began soon afterwards.
Attacks from Satan came in the form of opposition and disputing from certain people and situations at church.
Slowly, tensions began to develop between our pastor and my husband, to an extent. It was nothing, though, like what was to come. So let's say that we were weakened and buffetted. A little spiritual bruising, so to speak.
Then, one day, this woman and her husband joined the church...
I think, at the time, we were so discouraged from the circumstances, and such (I was also dealing with my own junk from growing up that
was difficult) that we had no way of understanding how to take on more. We didn't have our "armor" on, spiritually speaking. Our guard was not up.
Another aspect was that this was not a one-time event. This specific experience was a long series of repeated attacks on our marriage that occured over about 14 months! It was a web from Satan that was sticky and hard to free yourself from. I still find bits and pieces now and then that I have to give over to the Lord.
You can refer to the book: "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things" by Beth Moore. She explains these webs vividly and clearly describes it as being an attack from Satan.
Until next time...
It was one of the most wonderful relationships ever: my relationship with my husband. I was zealous and highly interested in beingnpart of the gospel going out into the world. He was my partner: the love of my life, like gold!
So when we had our first baby a door closed (at a place where we were
ministering to kids) and so we waited. A few months later a door seemingly
opened up at this church.
We arrived zealous and excited to minister but difficulties began soon afterwards.
Attacks from Satan came in the form of opposition and disputing from certain people and situations at church.
Slowly, tensions began to develop between our pastor and my husband, to an extent. It was nothing, though, like what was to come. So let's say that we were weakened and buffetted. A little spiritual bruising, so to speak.
Then, one day, this woman and her husband joined the church...
I think, at the time, we were so discouraged from the circumstances, and such (I was also dealing with my own junk from growing up that
was difficult) that we had no way of understanding how to take on more. We didn't have our "armor" on, spiritually speaking. Our guard was not up.
Another aspect was that this was not a one-time event. This specific experience was a long series of repeated attacks on our marriage that occured over about 14 months! It was a web from Satan that was sticky and hard to free yourself from. I still find bits and pieces now and then that I have to give over to the Lord.
You can refer to the book: "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things" by Beth Moore. She explains these webs vividly and clearly describes it as being an attack from Satan.
Until next time...
An affair of the heart...part 3
Amanda continues...
"...this experience made me feel like I was being attacked from every angle and the floor pulled out from under me.
Also, I lost trust in ministers and leadership in general. I just felt like I wanted the Christ experience but not the fellowship during this time. If my pastor was gonna be buddy-buddy with my mortal enemy and laughing with her... It felt like he was supporting, condoning, helping and enabling her wicked behavior.
"Maybe that is why it seemed like the pressure was coming from all sides, because other people were involved. My pastor's wife even said, "You need to get over your jealousy if you are gonna be in ministry". No one seemed righteous to me. No one would step in and stand up and put their foot down and say, "Look, this is God's house and this behavior is WRONG! Stop!" [Daniel: I spoke up but it fell on deaf ears...] No, they turned a blind eye.
It was like we just left the situation disgraced and abused and harassed. I realize we left with alot of baggage from the situation undealt with. We did nothing wrong yet we left. Why? It was not right.
More later as I feel so inspired...
"...this experience made me feel like I was being attacked from every angle and the floor pulled out from under me.
Also, I lost trust in ministers and leadership in general. I just felt like I wanted the Christ experience but not the fellowship during this time. If my pastor was gonna be buddy-buddy with my mortal enemy and laughing with her... It felt like he was supporting, condoning, helping and enabling her wicked behavior.
"Maybe that is why it seemed like the pressure was coming from all sides, because other people were involved. My pastor's wife even said, "You need to get over your jealousy if you are gonna be in ministry". No one seemed righteous to me. No one would step in and stand up and put their foot down and say, "Look, this is God's house and this behavior is WRONG! Stop!" [Daniel: I spoke up but it fell on deaf ears...] No, they turned a blind eye.
It was like we just left the situation disgraced and abused and harassed. I realize we left with alot of baggage from the situation undealt with. We did nothing wrong yet we left. Why? It was not right.
More later as I feel so inspired...
An affair of the heart...part 1
Amanda wrote this recently, in response to the events of those days. Here, she continues, from another page...
"...the hardest thing for me to do is to forgive someone who had no consideration for me whatsoever. My mind was twisted to the point that even I was willing to push my husband as far as he could go away from our marriage. And "Sally" was always ready to go to any and every level of possible intimacy with him.
"I really feel for women who lose their husbands in an affair. We at least had the concept that the devil was very much in the details. But I think that people who are blind to the "wiles" of the enemy may get into situations where they are in over
their heads!
"I thought this trial would be over a couple of years ago and then "Sally" spoke to a
relative of mine and told her of some health issues that had been resolved. This
relative then told me and then it reopened some stuff. I confess that I didn't really
want "Sally" to get healing. I have not heard from "Sally" or seen her (thank you
God) since long before getting this news. But it did seem to imply to me that "I'm
still here... waiting... (for your husband).
"Also, a couple years ago my husband had to pass through "that" part of town. I worried so much that he would be drawn to her house; that he would listen to any temptations from the enemy.
"...the hardest thing for me to do is to forgive someone who had no consideration for me whatsoever. My mind was twisted to the point that even I was willing to push my husband as far as he could go away from our marriage. And "Sally" was always ready to go to any and every level of possible intimacy with him.
"I really feel for women who lose their husbands in an affair. We at least had the concept that the devil was very much in the details. But I think that people who are blind to the "wiles" of the enemy may get into situations where they are in over
their heads!
"I thought this trial would be over a couple of years ago and then "Sally" spoke to a
relative of mine and told her of some health issues that had been resolved. This
relative then told me and then it reopened some stuff. I confess that I didn't really
want "Sally" to get healing. I have not heard from "Sally" or seen her (thank you
God) since long before getting this news. But it did seem to imply to me that "I'm
still here... waiting... (for your husband).
"Also, a couple years ago my husband had to pass through "that" part of town. I worried so much that he would be drawn to her house; that he would listen to any temptations from the enemy.
How we got to this point in our marriage, part 1
Just the other day, I came across a scrap of paper that brought back a whole flood of memories I had not missed. It was part of my wife's journal and it opened up a forgotten chapter in our lives. With her permission I will share an experience that we had that still affects us (unconsciously) today. Some names have been changed but this is a true account. I will start with the page that brought it all back...
"...In the beginning, when we moved into [that town] and went to [that church], I must confess I was miserable. I was depressed, isolated, and felt inadequate for the task of parenting AND being a minister's wife. I thought I had to "fill the role" in order to be accepted.
"...Near the end our ministry at [that church], my fear of "Sally" having Daniel at times became insidious... When I read God's Word about calling forth the corrupt, all I can think about is her. Then I think of God's grace for her and that I did not have it... Deep down I feel inadequate anyway.
"I don't want a full-blown affair", she said... I often thought how could she do this to me? How can she act this way?
"I must have believed she had some power over me; some good quality that I did not because I saw in them a man and a woman connecting. I saw her enjoy him a whole lot more than me.
At one point I was willing to let him go and have her. It almost would have been a release for me..."
So there you have it. My wife's thoughts on the subject at the beginning and end of four years of fruitful (and sometimes fruitless) service to the Lord in a church we were called to. The rest of our story is forthcoming.
"...In the beginning, when we moved into [that town] and went to [that church], I must confess I was miserable. I was depressed, isolated, and felt inadequate for the task of parenting AND being a minister's wife. I thought I had to "fill the role" in order to be accepted.
"...Near the end our ministry at [that church], my fear of "Sally" having Daniel at times became insidious... When I read God's Word about calling forth the corrupt, all I can think about is her. Then I think of God's grace for her and that I did not have it... Deep down I feel inadequate anyway.
"I don't want a full-blown affair", she said... I often thought how could she do this to me? How can she act this way?
"I must have believed she had some power over me; some good quality that I did not because I saw in them a man and a woman connecting. I saw her enjoy him a whole lot more than me.
At one point I was willing to let him go and have her. It almost would have been a release for me..."
So there you have it. My wife's thoughts on the subject at the beginning and end of four years of fruitful (and sometimes fruitless) service to the Lord in a church we were called to. The rest of our story is forthcoming.
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